Airports...

My daughter is going to take her first solo trip on a plane coming home from college to see us this Christmas. So I booked her flights yesterday and sent her the e-mail acknowledgement so she would know what is heading her way.
She sends a response to her mother that she received them but then asked, "what am I supposed to do?"

I have found that there are a lot of travelers who have no clue how air travel works today. As a frequent traveler (approaching 100K air miles this year) I will offer some handy suggestions for you so frequent travelers like myself don't walk by you shaking my head in pity as you get the full body search from the TSA..

1) Pack light. I know that airlines are charging for bags to fly now so many are resorting to trying to carry on as much as they can. You get TWO carry ons. Only TWO no matter how small that fanny pack it is considered a carry on. That small infant in your arms? Well unless he or she is crawling on the plane, you are carrying them on so they count as well, just kidding. Oh but that diaper bag counts as yours unless you purchased a seat for the little one. So back to the carry on bag thing. You get TWO bags to carry on and they have to fit in the overhead compartment. Do not stuff that bag so full it won't fit or you might have to offload your undies into your other bag while your seatmate checks out wether you are a boxers or briefs kind of guy. I don't even want to go there with the ladies.
2) If you do carry on TWO carry ons, you only get to put one in the space above your seat. The other MUST go under the seat in front of you. Now there are some seats which do not have a seat in front of them, mainly exit rows and bulkheads, but unless you are a frequent flier you are not likely to get those seats, and frequent fliers know the rules anyway so this really doesn't apply to most of you. So you put the larger one in the space above and cram the smaller one under the seat in front of you. Now at this point it is YOUR decision to bring on TWO bags, and that does not give you the right to take the leg space of your neighbors on each side as your own leg space has been confiscated by your carry on bag. No one appreciates when you rub your sweaty legs against ours trying to get a little extra leg room because of your oversized carry on. Oh and share the armrest, think of it like the DMZ in Korea, no one lives there, you occasionaly get to rest there but it doesn't belong to either of you, it is just a buffer to keep your sweaty parts on your side and my sweaty parts on my side.
3) Once we start boarding, get your behind on the plane and sit down. You know where your seat is (unless you are flying Southwest and then just grag the one closest) get to it and sit down. We are not shopping for furniture, all the seats are the same. And the number order goes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ect from front to back and the seats go ABCDEFG (just like the song) from right to left across the plane as your board. So if you are in seat 29B, just get on the plane and walk as fast as you can to the back, you are somewhere way back there. And if the flight attendant says, "please take your seats so we can leave the jet bridge" they are talking to you, yes the one standing in the aisle. If you do not sit down they will get rude and call you out in front of all of these people like Mrs. Smith used to do in fourth grade. Of course they won't make you wear the little pointed hat that has DUNCE written on it but we will all think it in our minds.
4) Be courteous of the person next to you. There are many of us that are business travelers who take the hour and a half flight as a little down time. We like to read, catch up on the news, listen to music and relax. The last thing we want to hear about it how long it has been since you flew, and where you are going. I am sure your cousin Vinny is an interesting character but unless he is in the mob and works as a hit man I am probably not that interested.
5) The flight attendants are there for YOUR safety. They are not there just to give you pillows or blankets or serve breakfast like down as Mo's Diner. Unknown to most people there are tazers on the airplanes and the flight attendants will use them on you. So say in your seat, obey them like they are a drill instructor and behave and you will be fine. Cross that line and you might find yourself strapped to the seat drooling out of the side of your mouth.
6) Going back to arriving at the airport, there are two lanes when you drive onto the airport, one for departures and one for arrivals. Think of it this way, the departure lane, that is for those that are leaving. And the arrival lane is for those getting home. Simple? No one likes the guy who keeps trying to pick up where everyone is dropping off.
7) If you are not checking bags there is this thing called the internet that Al Gore invented which will allow you to print your tickets BEFORE you get to the airport. Yes that is right, you can go right from the car that dropped you off straight to the security gate without bothering the nice ladies at the ticket counter. Leave that area alone for the poor people who did not read this blog and travel once a century.
8) At security the TSA will want to see your ticket and your PHOTO ID. And no, a year book will not count. Please have them out when you get to their podium or you will get the glare from the TSA as they are waiting on you. If you are still fumbling with your ID when you get to the security officer you will see a very indescreet nod from him or her to the screening area. What that is a signal for them to do a full body search on you because you broke their flow. And a full body search will mess up anyone's day.
9) Going through the screening area is a very important area to keep your wits about you. If you see kids, avoid that line at all cost. You can not believe how long it takes kids to take their shoes off, get all their electronic gadgets out of their little backpacks and get through security. Old people are even worse. They will almost come to blows with the TSA because they have to take their shoes off. One lady made a comment about "how stupid it was to take their her shoes off, what are they looking for a bomb?" The TSA heard that and she ended up behind the screen... just saying.
10) So we have already covered shoes, lets go onto other accessories. Make sure your socks do not have holes in them as you will not get your shoes back till after the screening. And if you are not wearing socks, well that is really gross for the rest of us as you walk your barefeet through the little narrow tunnel that ALL OF US have to walk through as well. Have some decency and bring some booties or something.
11) Ladies (and some guys, you know who you are) take your jewlry off and put it in your carry on bag BEFORE you get to the airport. It takes you like 15 minutes to take off the necklaces, the bracelet, the anklet, the earings, the toe rings, the belly button rings, the nose rings, the tree rings and all those other rings. Save some time and put them in a bag in your carry on and AFTER you get through security put all those things back on. Nothing worse than to stand behind a lady as she takes off all her jewlry and you start thinking, "man I am a schmuck, my wife doesn't have nice rings like that..."
12) Some airports are now equipped with full body scanners that will take your picture and even though you are fully clothed will show up on the screen with you naked. So don't go thinking you can hide some contraband on your person, they will find it and you will be in big trouble. Also when you stand there you need to put your hands over your head like you are getting arrested. I know it just makes it easier on the TSA when they find your contraband. Oh and guys suck that gut in, it might be a gal doing the screening.
13) On your baggage that you put through the scanners, you have to take your Laptops, MP3 players, gameboys, playstations, XBox, PSP, and any other kind of electronic equipment out and put them by themselves in the big grey tub. If you try to send it through and hope someone won't noticeit, well it is like when you put gum under your seat at a restaurant, we all notice and they will too.
14) Liquids, you CAN NOT take liquids or gels into the secure area of the airport. They have to be 3 onces or less and in a clear quart size ziplock bag that will be taken out of your carry on and inspected by the TSA. I can't tell you how many BIG bottles of shampoo have been thrown away at security. Think hotel size bottles and you will be fine. Nothing worse than to have to wait on your stuff to come through and see someone has a gallon size bottle of shampoo, a gallon size bottle of conditioner and a gallon size bottle of mouthwash and the TSA has to stop the line to check those things out.
So all in all flying is as frightful or as peaceful as you would like to make it. Just remember these simple rules and you will find yourself flying the freindly skies in a matter of no time. If you decide to skirt these rules, well have fun in the private screening area...